Some more rational thoughts to cry over.

Hello good people.  I’ve waited long enough.

I’ve just been inspired to write a post after an overly-euphoric experience in Hue’s beautiful mountainside…

Hue's my beauty girl.

…by mountainside, I mean KFC.
Yes, that’s right.  I was recently in KFC and used their WiFi (Actually, it’s pronounced “wee-fye” here.  Whenever I ask for WiFi and pronounce it the English way, they get confused or look at me like I’m dumb. …miscellaneous rant?)  Only people who have been to Vietnam could know the vast difference of fast food culture between Vietnam and the States.  …Viet-KFC is the place to be.
Well, sort of.
KFC is for those wealthy, posh-looking Vietnamese or even those 22-year-old, gym-short-wearing, Vietnamese-American expats who regularly collect its coupons (this reference shall remain nameless.)

It’s the place for rich Vietnamese couples to go on dates.  It’s clean, sleekly-designed, has red & yellow leather one-seaters, flat-screen TVs that only play Tom & Jerry, great customer service, and of course, WiFi.  They are also apparently an advocate for Vietnam’s Top-10-List-That-Never-Changes and play familiar jams such as Mariah Carey’s “Without You,” Stevie Wonder’s  “I Just Called To Say I Love You,” and the live version of the Eagles “Hotel California.”  You know, the one with that embarrassingly long entrance guitar solo.  Usually, a live set does this for the purpose of making the listener extremely curious about what song it could be… but in Vietnamese reality, everyone in this country can tell what song it is after the first twang, since it could very well be the only live song played in Vietnam.

It’s like some sort of strange dream fantasy to be there, but it also has the potential to be my Christian purgatory… so I try to limit my visits.  Anyway, Thanksgiving is coming, fried chicken is close to turkey, and so I decided to open this blog post about KFC.  Deal with it.

So… I guess this is what happens when I wait too long to write a post.  I’ve done quite a lot the past two weeks and have forgotten many of the dire details.  I’ll try to use this to my advantage though and make this a pro-attention-deficit-hyperactivity post and just give commentary.  What did I just say? Aw, shucks- who cares! Just keep your eyes moving along!

I guess to start- I never told you how my Halloween went.  Jenna and I planned the best damn Halloween party in the history of Vietnam (this is easy to accomplish since nobody celebrates it here.)  We spent a whole week planning and getting supplies, and everybody went crazy with make-up and costumes.  It’s also important to mention that we made about 45 capes out of black garbage bags… so we had a surplus of vampires and witch children running around.  The make-up they did wasn’t exactly scary though… they all kind of looked like weird clowns.  I was proud to be a papa vampire… of clown children.

We had more than 50 kids come (almost all of my students from outside the shelter came!) so it was important for us to organize them into several groups to successfully play all of our games.  It felt exactly like a Wild & Crazy Kids show, only the contestants were uh, clown children.  We did just about every children’s Halloween activity including: pumpkin painting (except, we used Vietnamese grapefruits? Heh.), a toilet-paper mummy wrap contest, an apple bobbing contest, an awards ceremony, a massive trick-or-treat candy giveaway, and my own contribution to the new holiday in Vietnam: A Korean Model Makeover Contest!
Yep, we bought several posters of Korean models and gave each group paints, construction paper, glue, and scissors.  Then, we told them to desanctify the models with a scary make-over.  The results were intensely beautiful… and there ya go- we laid down the foundation for a new Vietnamese Halloween tradition.

KOREAN MAKEOVER!!

Tu obviously won for best costume. I wish I dressed like this as a child.

Toilet paper's never looked so scary.

This past weekend I took a trip down to Da Nang/Hoi An with my friend, Topher.  The plan was to go on a beautiful ride down through the mountains to deliver a motorbike to my friend Liz, who just recently moved to Da Nang.  I heard great things about this drive-it curves every which way through the mountains across the Hai Van Pass and alongside the coast, and on many occasions you can overlook beautiful bays and naturally, overly-saturated green landscapes.  I was looking forward to it.

Now let me tell you about the most unforgettable experience I’ll ever have on a motorbike in Vietnam. We started off with a beautiful, sunny day in Hue and then thirty minutes later we were caught in the middle of a torrential downpour up in the mountains.  It was as if someone pulled a practical joke on us and slimed us repeatedly for an hour.  I can’t even tell you how opposite this rainfall was to the “Oh, look! It’s raining! Let’s sing and dance in it, jump in puddles and splash each other, and laugh together about how much rain we’re accidentally swallowing! Omg, now there’s a rainbow! Let’s air-dry and hold hands!”-rain.

It was freezing.  The rain drops felt like needles- no, nails.  Nails covered in rust.  That were previously rolled around in a pool of acid.  We were both soaked to the bone (even with raincoats on.), and I couldn’t watch any of the mountain scenery mostly because 1) it was way too foggy, and 2) I was too focused on hiding behind Topher… it hurt too much to lift my head (that was in my sad, cold, pathetic voice).  I don’t remember if I cried or peed my pants, or if I was just so wet that my bodily fluids got jealous of all the attention the rain was getting, and they decided to protest.  Either way, I was the wettest I’ve ever felt, inside and outside… whatever that’s supposed to mean.

Where is the fog-it 3000?

We never really talked about how insanely terrible the ride was to our friend Liz- probably since we were both trying to immediately suppress that memory.  So now you know, Liz. You owe us big time for those emotional scars.

Anyway, Hoi An was a treat- we stayed at a friend’s house with an actual COUCH (they are endangered in Vietnam) and a crazy, adorable, bat puppy with a mutant foot.

Try to make your body do this.

I also learned from our doctor friend that it’s impossible to get malaria in Central/Northern Vietnam… so, let’s have a moment of silence for that.

Speaking of diseases, let’s talk about some weird, unexplainable skin irritations at the shelter! Hooray!
There’s been a small outbreak of fun skin irritations on the kids, and they unfortunately appear on their faces.  I recently got something sort of like it too, only it was on my leg.  A patch of skin will just get dry and irritated, sometimes bubble up, and then scab over- but then the scab falls off and it’s like nothing ever happened.  A few of the kids have gotten this and when I asked people what it was (I thought I had something similar) they gave me quite bizarre, original explanations.

The kids: “Oh, that’s bat pee.”
Me: “Bat pee?”
Kids: “Yep. Bat pee.”
Me: “So what you’re trying to say to me is… that a bat came into my room and peed on me in my sleep.”
Kids: “No, there’s just bat pee in random places and sometimes you rub against it.  It’s like acid and that’s why your skin gets irritated.  But, yeah- it can happen in your sleep.”

…

Some of the staff: “Oh, it’s from an insect.”
Me: “…An insect gave me and the kids this rash.”
Staff: “Yes.  It’s this insect that sprays this acid if you touch it or get near it.”
Me: “…Okay. An insect.  Do you know what it looks like?”
Staff: “Umm… I think it’s sort of like those yellow ladybugs.  It’s yellow and has spots too, but it’s longer, twice as long- like this (uses her pointer finger as an example).”

…

I re-accounted all of this to Topher’s doctor friend in Hoi An and he just shook his head silently for a few moments.  Then, he told me it was probably a bacteria, and to just keep it clean and use an anti-bacterial if I wanted.  So, since then- it’s gone away!  None of the kids have gotten it in  a while, and so now I don’t feel wrong chuckling about those funny Vietnamese explanations.  Seriously, though…. bat pee?

LIGHT VS. DARK. 1a dem sunsets from Truong Tien bridge.

Oh, here’s another comical story about- yes, you guessed it- my continuous good luck with Vietnamese bathrooms.  So, my bathroom is down the hall, as many of you have already read.  I can no longer take showers there because the hot water doesn’t want to work in that bathroom in the wintertime, so Chu Phu (the night-guard) suggested that I take showers in the downstairs bathroom at night, when all the kids are getting to bed.  So, the only way I can get a hot shower is by going downstairs and down the hall to use that bathroom, but only at night, when the kids aren’t using it.  But, the hot water switch is inconveniently located behind the bookshelf in my boss’s office, so I usually have to get Chu Phu to open that door so I can switch it on before showering at night.  So, whenever I want a hot shower, that’s what I have to go through- which is the only excuse I have for not showering very often here in Vietnam.  It’s so much of pain that I actually find it amusing and consider it as another little thing to add to the character of Vietnam.

Well, a couple weeks ago, Chu Phu told me that I couldn’t use the men’s bathroom anymore because the accountant had broken the shower head.  So, he told me to use the shower in the girl’s bathroom and that I should wait even later to use that one, just so unfortunate run-ins don’t occur.  So, I did.  One night, I waited until everyone went to sleep and headed to the girl’s bathroom to take a shower.  Yep, read that last sentence again.  (I just imagined a scene of a little boy sneaking into a girl’s bathroom at night because he was curious if girls used urinals too.)  I was in the middle of my shower and decided I wanted to switch settings on the shower head… I started to crank it to the left, and then…SNAP . It broke.  I just broke the shower head, the last usable shower head to mankind. It had been quite a while since my last hot shower, so this event was absolutely, ironically crushing.  I actually held the shower head in my hands for half a minute saying “No…no…nooo…This can’t be…” and then started laughing again at my situation.  I now shower in the downstairs/down the hall boy’s bathroom and use a hose to rinse myself.  Yesterday, the light in that bathroom went out, so I was back in the girl’s bathroom for a night.  See, things are calming down.

a slice of light.

Let me give you one more commentary.

On the way home from Hoi An, Topher and I took the bus.  He fell asleep in the row behind me, and so when a huge Vietnamese family came onto the bus in the middle of the bus-ride, an older, Vietnamese man decided to sit next to me.  I imagined that every one around me pretended to fall asleep instantly, and so I was the one stuck sitting with the smelly kid.  Anyway, I couldn’t help but think of this social commentary…

You know why it stinks to sit next to a Vietnamese man on a bus?
Three words: Leg space battle.
It’s a fight to the death. A very subtle, silent, leg space fight.
You’re handicapped at first (-3), because the moment he sits down his leg is already stretched into half of your seat.
(It might have something to do with the tightness of his pants.  Sure, he’s uncomfortable… but, I don’t know… maybe he should stop wearing tight pants then.)
But, you can’t let him win.
Even if you’re much younger and should be respectful to an elder, you don’t deserve this little leg space.
Fight for your rights! The rights of your leg space!
:::enter short clip of protest group with picket signs, all chanting “MAKE HASTE AND GIVE LEG SPACE! MAKE HASTE AND GIVE LEG SPACE!”:::
You keep your ground, your thigh uncomfortably pushing against his thigh.
He doesn’t care.  He knows he’s going to win this shoving contest.
The deciding factor? He knows only you think it’s uncomfortable to be touching thighs for such a long period of time.
Okay, maybe he doesn’t, but he’s got to have some evil black magic or something like that.
He could touch thighs forever as long as his legs have enough space to spread out, which apparently goes hand-in-hand with instantaneous snoring.
…Like two swords pushing against each other in an endless power struggle; a dead stance.
A Samurai Showdown moment: when you have to push buttons faster than your opponent to win a pushing duel…
(but, the video game console freezes and you have to wait for a lazy assistant in the arcade to get off his butt and reset the game for you.  You’re pissed because you’re losing valuable arcade time before Mom comes back to get you.)
Yet, eventually your persevering, painstaking effort pays off.
You win some space, some “land.”
You rejoice at the progress you’re making (which is only happening now because you’re competing against a half-asleep opponent.)
Then, the unfortunate mistake occurs.
Your leg needs to reposition.  It’s aching after being flexed for so long.  You’ve got an itch on your leg and you can’t get to it…
You think that since he’s close to the REM stage, you can lift up your leg just a second to stretch out…
CRRRUH!
A loud, sudden snore-snort accompanies a swift leg move into the space you fought hard for.  It was as quick as a blink of an eye.
Your face is permanently stuck to that “about to weep” expression.
You look at the old Vietnamese man snoring with his mouth wide open and his hands folded on his crotch.
You slide sideways on the edge of your seat with your butt barely on, and close your eyes thinking about how much this bus ride sucks.
Too bad you didn’t pretend you were sleeping before he got on.

More to come.  We’ve got Vietnam’s National Teacher Day and Vietnamese Thanksgiving coming up soon.

Love & Serenades,
Hy

nga & vien. group #1.

my students from outside the shelter

phap’s very ugly hat.

nhat and phuoc with very um… nice…face…paint.

not quite sure what vien was supposed to be.

KOREAN MAKEOVER!

KOREAN MAKEOVER!!

KOREAN MAKEOVER!!!

Tu obviously won for best costume. I wish I dressed like this as a child.

The fine arts teacher, Nghia.

oh, what a pretty Korean model makeover.

Korean model makeover success!

mummy trophies.

toilet paper’s never looked so scary.

free willy has also done this.

delicious red face paint water. mmm.

canday condie.

a happy group of 3.

jenna and cindy looking awesome.

nhat and I

LIGHT VS. DARK. 1a dem sunsets from Truong Tien bridge.

this is a trick that all Vietnamese children can do. I cannot.

a slice of light.

this is Hue’s traffic circle.

there is a boy in that tree. His name is Hau.

yes, swan boats are still available in Vietnam.

No, no, no, they’re 2008 swan boats.

Where is the fog-it 3000?

This could have been clearer, only it was MONSOONING.

da hoi an.

we went to the beach at night.

Topher and the crazy looking bat puppy.

seriously, it looks like a bat.

Try to make your body do this.

The bat puppy’s extra mutant toe. Yes, I was the one to discover this.

~ by Hy Huynh on November 13, 2008.